I wrote this poem near the beginning of 2019. At the time, I had recently started metabolic therapies, in the form of intermittent and extended fasting, not knowing what they were or how they could benefit my bipolar 1 disorder.
My creativity was beginning to reemerge. Much of it initially took the form of expressing years of unprocessed grief. In an unhealthy state, I couldn’t have a healthy relationship; I was drawn to people who mirrored back my sense of worthlessness.
This poem captures the pain of the loss of love that forced me to confront how lifeless my life had become, to realize that after surviving suicidality, I needed to commit to at least aspiring to actually live again. I feel so much gratitude for the pain and suffering that led me on this transformational journey.
Tucked Between Your Ghosts
I am left sitting here, tucked away, lingering in the space of your intimacy
I am uninvited, unknown, unacknowledged
I feel her smiling at you
I know how it feels when you caress her head
All the time
You were here, your real presence, breath, in and out of bed, in and out of sleep and wakefulness
Eating together, talking, laughing
How mysteriously and rapidly the silence settled over all the objects you once touched
And now I am sitting in emptiness
Holding onto it, breathing it, caressing it, like her head
I can feel your body heat where I linger, between intertwined fingers, uninvited, unnoticed
Tucked between your ghosts
The new life that is yours and not mine, I can feel, but not touch
I can hear the laughter still
All around me
Wrapped in your love, lost in the space between you two
Lingering in the intimacy between you two
Tasting its sweetness with a dry tongue
So thirsty, so lost, so gone